Dizzy Learning

The itch is still there to describe and narrate a descriptive bodily position we usually find ourselves in. The energy to say that this experience is something to take note and from that create an essay (or a story) all from a subjective point of view is still there.

But for sometime now, the itch has somehow begun to falter on its pre-destined course of eventual failure. Yes, I call my life-long effort of wanting to say what I know about this world as something doomed from the very beginning. In the first place, I talk more about wanting to write something than writing that damned thing. I’m more of a worrier anxious that time is ticking away and I still have to start somewhere (as an ardent believer used to say ‘kulang lang praxis’). I guess that would sum up my effort in becoming a ‘real’ writer.

Somehow, during that time I died. Or rather I was dead in the conventional logic of how the world judges the inaction. The big term ‘Purpose in Life’ and lifelong ‘Dream’ suddenly came into a halt; stopped by the nature of inaction that produces nothing for the practical world.

Yet, with all humility, I learned a lot during that inactivity. My mind or consciousness or self or ego or whatever you would call it, just expanded (shrunk?) that I could not describe will surgical precision the experience. My attempt to describe it is that it gave me a new vantage place where to see the world and the universe within. Previous preconditioned idea and beliefs have been challenged and obliterated, asking for a brand new beginning.

Though I could hardly say that I learned ever basics that I should know, the tidbits of knowledge about what ‘real’ is is too much for my intellect to churn in. Probably, I failed to empty myself that the water that have been pouring in just spill out inevitably. I could not contain it, sad to say.

Right now, I still can not say whether I will be back on my previous journey of becoming a ‘real’ writer. A lot have been learned and experienced on taking the refuge of the shore and just watch the river that I had been (and still) drifting along run its course.

I can see now the people whom I used to share the same dream and what kind of dream or purpose in life we vigorously pursued. I can see with a clearer perception where it is leading to. I also see, probably even hear, those people whom I shared the ‘Dreams’ muttered in disapproval of my action or inaction.

Learning is a painful thing.

While I’m overwhelmed because of all the learning that I’m getting, it is good to thing that there is Lil Feather (though whom I know does not fully in accord with my study and practice) beside me , wherein in her lap I could rest, rest my tired eyes and body; and say ‘higa lang ako, maya pa flight mo.’